Raphael's Journal
by starry-oblivion
Summary: In a series of journal entries, Raphael explores how a begrudging crush ends up becoming something suspiciously similar to love. It's a slow process, but he gradually learns to accept it. [Raph x OC. Part of my Reflections series, but can stand alone.]
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** This is one of the bonus stories for my "Reflections" series. The events in this chapter take place after "Reflections," the events in the next chapter will take place after "Reflections of my Former Self," and the third and final chapter will be set around and after "Reflections of my Future Self."

If you haven't read one or any of those stories, never fear! This really is just an introspective on Raphael's feelings about romance and relationships.

Enjoy!

* * *

October 9th 

I ain't a writer.

I've never been one to talk about my feelings or nothing. And using a pen to make these small, sweeping motions hurts my hands. Gimme a sai to slash through something, and I can go at it for hours. Tell me to make a specific set of patterns with a writing utensil, and I'm more likely to make you wish you never made the suggestion.

So why am I writing this? Why am I sitting here while the guys are watching TV when I could be rousing one of them into a bit of sparring? Probably because if I tried to do that, I'd be tempted to bash either Mikey or Don's head in.

It all started when we met this kid on the street, named Allison. She wasn't nothing special; just your typical stupid chick who decided to walk down the streets of Brooklyn at night. Not saying she _deserved_ to get a group of thugs chasing after her, but you gotta admit that there's some poetic justice to it. Stupid girl walks down a dark alleyway, something bad happens. Yeah, it makes my stomach turn to think about it, but that's what I was thinking as I was pulling the whole rescue bit.

And then I got shot. If you ask me, it wasn't nothing. Just a hunk of metal lodged in my chest. Could've been worse, right? The guys should've just dragged me back to the lair and called Casey to bring me some kinda meds, and I would've been fine.

But then the girl… Allison… she got up after stabbing one of the punks in the arm and getting slapped across the face with a gun… and she said she knew where she could get some med supplies. And she said she was willing to do it to return the favor. We don't get many people returning favors… especially not when this "favor" ends up costing them a bit of blood. The only conclusion I could draw is the simple one: it's so dark outside that she don't got no clue what we look like. If she did, she would've run away as fast as she could.

I was fading in and out of consciousness back at the lair while we waited for Mikey to bring back the stuff the girl bought. When he finally came in, he told us that he had brought _her_ back. Apparently, the Rat King attacked them, and she pushed Mikey out of the way of a bomb, getting knocked out in the process.

Just… who the shell does this kid think she is? I mean, I'm grateful, yeah. Mikey's a pain in the neck, but it would've been bad if that explosion blew him to bits. But she's just a kid. …even if she _is_ almost seven years older than me. And even after knowing what Mikey looks like, she went ahead and jumped in the way of a _bomb_for him?!

Anyway, as time kept going on, I began to realize that I'm growing to respect her. That don't happen too often, especially not with people that I just met. And _especially_ not with someone that I had thought of as just some dumb chick. Aggravating as she might be sometimes, she's proved that she's got a head on her shoulders.

And I guess… I don't know… something happened. I was pretty drugged up at one point, and I guess I was telling Donnie that I'd grown attached to her… and he took it the wrong way. And then he told Mikey. And then he told _her_. And then she left.

You can't blame a guy for thinking that that was why she left. I mean, yeah, she got a job in California, making a movie, living the dream, and all that junk. But… she _knew_. She knew how I felt… or, I mean, how Donnie _thought_ I felt.

At any rate, I went to see her a couple of days before she left. Gave her a new switchblade so she could protect herself from the crazies in Cali. And she gave me a script of the movie she's making. Or a treatment draft or whatever it is they call them rough copies. I read it over while sitting on her rooftop and… I began to think… I don't know. Maybe I've rubbed off on her as much as she's rubbed off on me? She kinda made it clear that I was her favorite of the guys, but… is it that weird to think that she might have actually… I don't know… fallen for me?

It _has_ to be weird, right? I mean, the very thought's kinda sick and twisted. She's a human. I'm a turtle. She's got practically a decade on me in the age department. She's got talent, drive, a bright future, a nice smile….

Oh. Oh crap. And I wrote that in ink. Crap. Time to find a good hiding place for this book before Mikey uncovers it and decides to give everyone a dramatic reading.

* * *

October 16th 

Donnie just checked his e-mail and said he got something from Allison. Said that she got to LA just fine and was almost settled in her new place. Sent us some pictures and said we could visit whenever we happen to find ourselves out in the West Coast.

She sent one picture of her, moving a box of books into the apartment. Don "accidentally" hit the print button when that one came up, and "didn't notice" it when it finished printing. It's been staring at me from across the room all day. Even though he's just sitting there typing, I can tell that he's just waiting for me to walk on over and take the picture. Probably half-expects me to tape it up in my room or something. Funny guy, that Donatello.

At least he's a bit more tactful than, say, the Battle Nexus Fruitcake over here.

* * *

October 17th 

Funny thing, about that picture of Allison. It wasn't in Don's printer tray this morning. Not that I looked or nothing, but I just happened to notice. Anyway, I checked my room to see if someone stuck it in there as some stupid joke, but it wasn't there, neither. I wonder what Don did with it?

* * *

October 19th 

I found out what happened to the picture. It led to one of them heart-to-hearts with Leo. And we all know how much I _love_ those heart-to-hearts with the Fearless Leader. Especially when he's leading me into territory that's unfamiliar for _all_ of us.

We was sparring in the dojo while Mikey and Don were taking a break. After a while, Leo says that I look "distracted." I tell him to shut up and fight, and he asks what I've got on my mind. Of course, I tell him that the only thing going on in my mind is watching him go down. He don't answer for a while, but then goes over to the book he was reading before we started training and took a page out of it. When he shows me the page, I see that it's the picture of Allison.

He claims that _that's_ what's been on my mind for the past few days, since I've been "distracted" ever since she left. I told him that that was stupid; why would I be distracted over a dumb picture? On the inside, though, I gotta admit that I _really_ wanted out of that room. It looks like just because no one told him nothing, it don't mean that Leo don't know what's going on better than even _I_ do. And he wonders why I call him Splinter Junior.

He says that Donatello _was_ gonna slip it into my room just for laughs, but he had asked for it instead. He figured that I'd like to have it. I'm already reaching out for it before I pull myself back. Damn.

He says that it's okay, though. Why _wouldn't_ I want to look at her? I'll be thinking about her after looking at all the scars we got from our little adventure together, so I might as well have a picture. She's a cute girl, anyway. I smirk and tell him that maybe _he'd_ like to keep it, and he asks what reasons he'd have to want it.

Stupid jerk. Somehow, that ended up getting me to spill my guts about what I really think about her and to clarify what I had told Don while I was drugged. By the time I realize that he managed to get me to say all the things that I swore I wouldn't even _write_ about, I was already mostly done. Did I ever mention that I wish that I had been an only turtle?

We eventually sit down, and Leo tells me that we're likely to see her again once she's done filming. And if that was the case, maybe I should talk to her. Because no matter how unlikely it is that anything solid could come out of it, it'd be only fair that she knew.

That made no sense. The point is that nothing _can_ come out of it. So if I know that, and _he_ knows that, then she probably does, too. So if she don't feel nothing, why do I got to be the one to make a fool out of myself, huh? Why I should I try to be some pansy Romeo who discusses his feelings when the would-be Juliet would rather write science-fiction screenplays and make movies out of them? Hell, let her stick it out with _Mikey_, if that's what she considers a good time.

Leo don't say nothing for a long while. Seeing that I ain't in the mood to talk this out, he gets up and puts a hand on my shoulder, like some little brotherly contact's gonna make this all better. I'm waiting for the ball to drop. That great pearl of wisdom from our beloved leader. Lay it on me, O Noble One.

Instead of saying anything, he just turns and heads out of the room. "This is something you need to sort out yourself," he tells me. "_I_ can't help you sift through your emotions if you don't want any help."

I… I can't believe it. Leo, admitting that there's something he _can't_ do? What the shell? And what does he mean, "help?" I don't _need_ his help. It's just a matter of forgetting about her, that's all. Of not thinking about her and forgetting that she exists, just like she'll eventually do with us.

'Course, it's kinda hard to do that when your brother just left a picture of her directly in front of you. I knew that if I left it there, Don or Mikey would come in and ask why her picture was in the dojo. So I couldn't just leave it lying around. Besides, it makes a good bookmark for this journal.

* * *

October 23rd 

April came down with a group of cards that Allison sent for each of us. Mine has got a bowl of cereal on the front. I'm thinking it's an inside joke, since each of the cards made the guys smile like there was something between just them and her going on. And since no one's found where I hide this book, I guess it's safe to confess that each of those smiles made me just a little bit jealous.

I gotta admit, from the looks of things, the inside of my card's got the most writing on it. That makes me feel a little better. She basically just wrote about the work on her movie so far, saying that it should be out by the summer if all goes well. She said that if she could rent out a theatre in the city for a private screening, we could all get together and see it for free.

I'll probably never admit it, but that makes me just a little upset. The fact that she's got to go out of her way to set aside a whole theatre, just because most of the world won't be able to deal with _real_ sci-fi creatures walking around a public movie theatre. It makes me think back to my conversation with Leo, and I remember why nothing could ever really happen between me and her. It's not like a girl would go out with a guy who can't take her to the movies.

Anyways, the note goes on to ask me how I'm doing. I can't help but smile a little when she says she misses me, and hanging around a guy who plays a character based off of me is making her wish that she'd stayed in the city. She tells me that we've already got a lot of catching up to do, even though she's only been gone for two weeks. "And if you don't write back about how many times you've saved the world since I've left, I'm going to see to it that you'll never find yourself an agent when you decide to become a world-famous stuntman."

Is it really possible to miss something so much when you've never really had it?

* * *

November 5th 

Not much has been going on. Karai and the Foot have made some trouble for us, but that was easily enough dealt with. Oh, and Stockman tried yet again to exact some kinda cockamamie revenge, this time using April as bait. Needless to say, he didn't prove to be much of a threat, especially since he was trying to backstab Bishop while he was at it. Some creeps never learn.

It's sad that hostile takeovers only get one or two sentences apiece, but I've been going on for pages about some stupid brat in LA. Somebody put me out of my misery.

* * *

November 20th 

April came down again with another message from Allison. No individual notes, since it didn't look like she had a lot of time. Basically, they finished casting the entire film and started read-throughs and rehearsals. She saw some of the designs for the CGI monsters, and she says that Mikey would probably approve. She included some pictures of some of the sets and other boring stuff. Again, only one picture of her was included in the batch.

Leo had been the one sorting through the pictures and gave me a weird smile when he handed me the one of her. I snatched it out of his hand, determined to just give it a glance before handing it over to Don. When I looked down, though, I saw that that was gonna be a little hard.

She's apparently been working out and beaching it up, so she's got toned biceps and an amazing tan now. And that ridiculous haircut of hers was growing out and was a little wavy around her shoulders. She looked good. Real good.

Don nudged me in the side, asking it I was gonna start a collage. I told him if he wanted to _keep_ that arm, he'd just wait all quiet-like until I was done looking at the picture.

* * *

December 1st 

Don came back from helping April in the shop and said that he spoke to Allison on the phone. She had apparently meant to call one of the actors about something, but called April's number by mistake. Don says that she sounded really tired and rundown. He also says that he told her I'd give her a hug to make her feel better, if I could. Needless to say, he lived to regret it.

* * *

December 20th 

Kinda embarrassed to admit how excited I actually got over getting a Christmas card from LA this year. Mostly because, though the card didn't say much except for the standard greetings that she gave the rest of the guys, she actually included a letter. It fell into my lap, and I'm pretty sure that Leo's the only one who saw it. I hid it and decided to check it out once I was alone.

It was pretty short, and it looked like she didn't have a lot of time to write it. There's grass stains on it, so I'm guessing that she was writing it while on the set, between takes. She told me that I really need to look into getting an e-mail address, since it's a lot easier for her to get in touch that way. "Or are you just making it so I'd want to try even harder to get back to New York as soon as possible to talk to you in person?" Not what I was thinking, but she raised a good point. Couldn't help but laugh.

She said that she missed New York, that there wasn't no snow where she was. Little does she know that there ain't no snow here, either, but I ain't gonna burst her bubble. She sounded like she needed all the fantasies she could get. Turns out that she'll be working all through New Year's, since it looks like they've hit a snag. She didn't tell me what it was, but I doubt I'd know how to fix it for her. I kinda wish I did.

Leo came in while I was reading the letter, saying that April had brought a card to send back to Allison. If I hurry up and sign it before April left, she could get it to the post office before they closed and it might just get to her before Christmas.

He left me alone while I thought of something to write. From the looks of it, I'm the last one to sign it, and something tells me that Leo planned it that way, so no one would see what I had written. Smart guy, Leo. I can't decide whether to be annoyed or relieved by that.

So help me, I couldn't think of what to say. There were plenty of things I wanted her to know, but like I said, I ain't no writer. She is. She'd know how to say what I'm thinking, and how to say it like it sounds even deeper than anything I could actually think. Finally, I jot down, "Kid. Merry Christmas. Take it easy. Raph."

While I'm sealing the card in the envelope, I think I've might've spelled "Christmas" wrong. I feel like such a putz.

* * *

December 31st 

No better way to end this year than with another sappy heart-to-heart. Couldn't really gripe my way out of this one, though. It was with Splinter, and I got enough respect in me to sit down and listen to whatever he thinks he needs to say. Turns out, I even learn something from him sometimes. That might be why we call him Sensei.

He calls me into his room this afternoon and I go in, thinking that he's gonna ask me what I've learned over the year and what I hope to change about myself in the year to come. He likes making us go all introspective and crap every once in a while.

Instead, he asks me about Allison. He wants to know if I've written to her as often as she's been writing to me. I guess I kinda go off on him, telling him that she hasn't been writing to me "often." All I've got is two cards and a letter, and she don't even e-mail Don as much anymore. She's a busy kid, so what makes him think she even got the time to read anything I'd write?

He don't say nothing for a while, but then asks how many cards and letters she has from _me_. Okay, so he's got me there. But I tell him that I ain't a writer. I don't do that whole, "Dear whoever, the weather's lovely over here," kinda crap.

Then he asks how many things has Allison written that wasn't in script form, that didn't include monsters or anything like that. I tell him that I don't know. He replies that maybe she isn't much of a letter writer neither, but she still makes the exception in the effort to keep in touch. Apparently, my "unwillingness to reciprocate" makes it obvious that something's wrong.

I tell him that it's nothing. She's a good kid, and she's got a good life over there. She probably don't wanna hear nothing from some turtle in the sewer. Besides, I'm just trying to forget about her. Otherwise… I'm just gonna end up hurting one or both of us.

He keeps quiet for a long time again. Finally, he tells me that he suspected as much. Damn, does the whole stupid world know? What'd I do when I was drugged; get out a bullhorn and announce it from the top of the Empire State Building? Or am I really just being that obvious?

And then he tells me the same thing his star student did. He tells me that he can't do nothing for me. Jeez, it's like I'm digging my own grave.

He says that she _is_ a "good kid," and her life _is_ good right now, but that don't mean that she ain't lonely. And the fact that she keeps trying to reach out to me tells me that she cares about me enough as a friend to single me out. And if I consider her anything more than a friend, the least I can do is let her know that. If she chooses to pursue something, then she'll let me know. If not, then it'll be obvious, and that'll make it easier for me to forget about her. It all depends on what I'm willing to do.

So what can I do? Sit down and write a letter saying, "Dear Allison. I like you. As more than a friend. What do you think about that?" Just… I don't _get_ it. How do people _do_ that kinda thing? Splinter tells me that the best I can do is to just be as up-front about it as I usually am about most things. But being blunt about this don't seem exactly appropriate. Especially considering… I'm taking a big risk.

Any stupid "feelings" aside, she's a great kid to have around. She's tough, she's funny, and she don't ever let her friends down. And if I scare her off by telling her that one of the mutants she's making a sci-fi movie about wants to be with her, then it's safe to assume that she'll find every possible reason to stay in California for a long, long time.

In the end, I decided that there's nothing else to do. Nothing but stick around and wait for her to come back. Once she's back in New York and I can talk to her face-to-face, I'll see if I can ease the topic into conversation. That way, I'll know right away. I won't have to kill myself, waiting for a letter that ain't ever gonna come. I can just see that look in her eyes, and I can know just how much she hates the idea, and that'll be it. Bye-bye, stupid feelings.

It hurts… but I'm kinda used to the pain. It don't look like the new year's gonna change that any.

* * *

February 1st 

And the first month of the new year came and went without any news. Of course, we dealt with the Foot a few more times, and I'm pretty sure that we saved the city about three times and the world at least once. And at Don's last tally, we stopped about 25 petty crimes. The news I'm talking about it the only news that I can't really do nothing about.

Donnie did say he got a couple of lines from her today though, which is what made me remember about this stupid notebook in the first place. I read over his shoulder. Apparently, two of her actors cancelled on her, and they're trying to find some way to go about replacing them this late in the game. The script needs to be rewritten just in case they can't find nobody. And their budget's starting to get just a little tight. Don worries that she's depressed, since she ended the e-mail with, "Just wanted to let you all know that I'm still alive… for now, at any rate."

I marched into my room after that and took out some paper and a pen. I started about 30 letters, but tore all of them up after the first paragraph. If they didn't sound too wishy-washy, then I ended up snapping at her, telling her that if she does anything stupid, I'm gonna come over there and do even _worse_ to her. I don't think sap _or_ threats are gonna help her.

After a while, I went back to Don and asked him to send her an e-mail for me. He said that he'd take dictation, but I didn't want him using my words. _He's_ the smart one; can't he know how to make what I want to say sound good? I fully expect him to start getting funny about it, but he just looks at me and says sure. I tell him to let her know that I'm worried about her, and that I don't want her doing nothing stupid. …and that if she needs me, I'm here. I really am.

He typed it up in his own words, and sent it after I read it over. I just stood there behind him, waiting for him to make a comment. He didn't. So I made one instead. I told him that if he told the others about this, I was gonna make him _eat_ that computer.

* * *

February 3rd 

She sent Don an e-mail back. "You mean Raphael actually cares? I'm touched." She then went on to say that if she didn't know me better, the next thing she would expect was for me to sing her a sentimental song and post it on YouTube. I hang out with a bunch of comedians.

* * *

February 19th 

Today's her birthday. I think so, anyway. I had seen her driver's license back when she was still living here, and I'm pretty sure this is the date. I'd make some kinda acknowledgement about it, but the guys were bugging me enough about it being Valentine's Day a few days ago, so I ain't gonna set myself up like that. Besides, I don't really have a birthday or nothing, and there's no point in me getting her something if she ain't gonna give me something in return. Selfish, maybe, but them's the breaks.

* * *

March 5th 

April came down, saying that Allison wrote her a note. It ain't even for us anymore; it's like she really _is_ forgetting about us. Anyway, the note says that there was some big earthquake recently, and something's wrong with her servers, so she still doesn't have a reliable internet connection. That's why she hasn't e-mailed Don in over a month. As for not writing, she just don't have the time.

She apologized for it, but what the heck makes her so sure that it's something to apologize for, huh? Does she think we _want_ to hear about her stupid movie problems and about the stupid movie stars she hangs out with and about how happy she is when she ain't being stupid? Do we really need to know? NO! She's just another member of the ninja turtle fan club, so what makes her think she's so special, huh?

* * *

March 6th 

I just read over what I wrote yesterday, and then I looked at the picture of her that I've been using as a bookmark. And I think I've got it all figured out. I want her because I can't have her. It's the same way Mikey gets when he sees an ad for the newest video game and knows we won't be able to afford it until it shows up on the used bargain bin. And once it's on eBay, he don't want it no more.

Once she comes back, I'm gonna end up wondering why she got me all riled up in the first place. And if that's the case, there's no sense in me getting riled up about it now. I can keep looking at her pictures and keep thinking that she's a nice piece of work, but it ain't no different from a guy who keeps a picture of Jessica Alba in his locker. Not that she's a Jessica Alba or nothing… but she's pretty close.

So there's no point writing in this thing no more. Looks like the Chronicles of Allison are over and done with. Maybe I'll find something more important to write about now.

* * *

August 17th 

Talk about ironic. I'm packing up to go to California, and I find _this_ thing hiding underneath the dust bunnies.

The trailer for Allison's movie came out a couple of days ago. It looks all right, but Mikey came up with a "groovy idea," like he calls it. We've been begging Leo and Sensei to cut us a break, since we're right in the middle of one of New York's biggest heat waves. Long story short, the whole gang decided to conspire against me. We're taking a "vacation"… and staying at Allison's.

Not like she's called, or written, or e-mailed or nothing. And it's not like none of us have gotten in touch with _her_. No, they're just expecting to drop in and see that nice smile of hers as she welcomes us into her place. She's probably living with some guy who's trying to be the next generation's Tom Cruise and hiding behind a pair of those big expensive designer sunglasses while she walks a little French poodle down Sunset Boulevard. I'm sure she'll just _love_ getting four unexpected mutant visitors at her door.

As much as I think this is a bad idea, I'd be lying if I said that I ain't the least bit excited. I mean, it's LA. Headed for a bit of a culture shock. And as much as I put her in the Jessica Alba category of unattainable things in my life, it'll be nice to see Allison again. Casey's been getting on my nerves; time to let some other poor sap feel my wrath for a change.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: **So apparently my Raphael muse took complete control of me as I wrote these entries. Please be forewarned that there are several instances of mild profanity and brief discussions concerning sex, alcohol, and religion. Honestly, it sounds worse than it is! There is no drunken, heretical sexual activity or anything of the sort. Everything is still mild enough to be rated a rather low "T." I just wanted to get that out there to warn those who may be sensitive to the mention of such things.

There is still much more sap in this story than Raphael would probably like to admit. :) So please read and let me know what you think of it.

-Starry

* * *

August 26th 

Looks like I can't leave that kid alone for too long. She gets herself in some serious trouble. I ain't gonna go into it, but me and her got separated from the group and narrowly escaped getting turned into one of Agent Bishop's science projects. In the process of the rescue, I was temporarily turned into a human.

I realized something over those two or three hours that I was one of them. Humans are… pretty weak. They're flimsy. They hurt so much more easier than we do, both physically and emotionally. How _these_ animals made it to the top of the food chain, I'll never know. But ya know what? I'd be a liar if I said I don't miss it.

Yeah, I was in pain. Yeah, I got tired real quick. Yeah, I couldn't even rip a door off a damn locker. But somehow… I never really felt _alive_ until I was a human.

I guess… I guess it's because they know, you know? They know that they can't really hold their own in this world. They know that they're gonna have to give it up to the next big, powerful step in evolution, whenever that might be. They know how quick everything they worked for is gonna be taken away from them. And knowing all that makes them want to… want to just _live_.

I felt things when I was a human, things that I had always thought were just signs of weakness. But then I saw that… that they was something else. They were signs of really being alive. Everything, from hurting my back after landing on the floor without a shell to feeling Allison's fingertips on my skin after it lost its roughness—all of this made me know that I was missing something.

So what right did she have when she thought that _she_ was missing something, too? Like I told her afterwards, she gets to go out and enjoy her life the way her species _wants_ to. Me? My species hides under its shell, and my family hides in the shadows. Turtles were meant to hide, but that ain't the way I wanna live. I've done that for a long time, and I'm tired of it.

I didn't need to tell her, though. She knew. Even without me getting all emotional on her, she knew what was going through my head. It ain't every day that I can say that about a person.

I didn't want to hide from her. But I had to back away the first time, you know? I had to let her know that I _did_ think this out. If she… if she was really willing to let someone like me into her life—some_thing_ like me into her life—then it had to be because she really wanted it, and she had to be willing to take a lot of risks for it. Because let's face it; we both knew that becoming more than just friends was gonna involve a heck of a lot of risks.

After saying all of that, I waited for her answer. And her answer was to try it again. And this time, I didn't stop her. I let her kiss me. And wow… I had a really small taste of being human again. But it was good enough. Just for that little while, it was good enough.

And then the others came in. And I couldn't let them know. I mean, it's not like they'd understand, you know? Mikey, Don, heck even Casey and April have been teasing me about it almost nonstop since October. Leo and Splinter look for every opportunity to lecture me about it. But they don't really know what "it" is. This ain't about a stupid crush or nothing. This is about feeling something that I can't explain. This is about feeling something that I never knew I _could_ feel.

But hey, now I felt it, and it's over. I'm back in New York, and she's still in California. Her movie's more important than me. She tried to disagree but I told her that, if she really cared enough, she can find some way to head back to NYC and prove me wrong. And seeing that like a challenge, she smirked at me and told me that she couldn't _wait_ to prove me wrong.

Now I'm waiting. Just like I said I'd never wait for a letter, I'm waiting for _her_. And I was right. The waiting hurts.

* * *

August 30th 

Her movie comes out tomorrow. And I haven't heard nothing of her. I'm starting to wonder if maybe I dreamed it. Dreamed being human, dreamed the kiss, dreamed of even spending that week in LA. Paranoid, maybe, but a healthy dose of paranoia is what's kept me alive this long.

I'm tired of twiddling my thumbs and waiting. Screw this pen; I'm gonna go lift some weights.

* * *

August 31st 

And once again, everyone conspired against me. Well, just Allison. And Mikey. But this time, I'll let it slide. Because she's back. And I'm happy. And it's taking everything I got in me to keep from grinning while I watch her nap on the couch in the lair. She's staying with us for just a little while, until she gets things finalized with her new apartment.

Happy as I am, I swear—if Mikey don't stop bouncing around like that because we've got a girl spending some time with us, I'm gonna have to do something painful to him.

* * *

September 1st 

I _thought_ I was just about scheduled for another one of those stupid heart-to-hearts. Honest, you'd think Leo was like some master player, the way he's giving out all this "relationship advice." When I asked him how he thinks he knows so much about girls, he got real quiet. I would've started thinking something if he didn't admit that he _didn't_; he just knows about mutant turtles and is running with that knowledge.

Even though he told me that he couldn't do nothing for me, it still seems like he's trying to do a heck of a lot. Thanks for the input, big brother, but I _knew_ that this was a "foolish, impulsive, unnecessary risk." And I did it anyway. Because I like Allison. Is everybody happy now? I admitted it in plain English: I like Allison. I like being with her, I like holding her, and yeah, I like kissing her. And I'll be damned if I didn't see Leo shift uncomfortably when I mentioned kissing her.

I never use words like "girlfriend" or "relationship" or even "dating." Let's face it; the word "girlfriend" is stupid. Yeah, she's a girl and she's my friend; it's been that way before I found out what her lips feel like. As for "relationship," how does that describe what's going on? I've got a relationship with my bros, with Splinter, with Casey, with April… heck, I even have a relationship with Mikey's stupid cat. We relate, so we're in a relationship. And "dating?" Nope, can't take her on dates, unless it's real, real dark and there ain't no other people around. But then, those are the best kind of dates.

So I guess, since I never used any of these words, Leo thought that what I've got with Allison hasn't gotten physical yet. And I mean, it _hasn't_… not beyond kissing. But believe me, man… that can keep me happy for a long, long time.

What's got Leo so worked up about it, anyway? Is it because he don't have a girlfriend? Is it because he thinks that we shouldn't have any? Because we're different? Hell, how does that mean anything? You can compare it to some black guy (or whatever the PC term for them is these days) dating a white girl (ditto on the PC). They got different skin colors, but if they're happy together, why can't the world just leave them alone?

When I told Leo this, he started railing on me, telling me that it _is_ different. That Allison could be a rare green-skinned human for all he cared; it ain't "natural." Wow. "Natural." Yeah, like any factor of our entire _existence_ is "natural," right? Would he rather me wait around for a female red slider to get some green ooze dumped on her or something?

Anyway, we stop our screaming match when he notices that Allison was standing at the doorway of my room, hearing everything. She don't look none too happy… and I really hate seeing her like that. She said that she didn't mean to make us fight like this, and then she ran off. I pushed Leo away and ran after her, catching up with her just before she left. I told her it wasn't her fault; Leo's just got a stick up his shell and always has. He'll come around. Honest.

I don't know if I'm telling the truth or not, but it seems to be good enough her. She gave me one of her nice smiles, and we watched some TV while Leo holed himself up in his room, doing whatever it is he does. Mikey was off doing something with Splinter, and the only one in the room was Donnie, sitting in the corner with his computer. I noticed him looking at us, but it wasn't one of those Leo looks.

Afterwards, when Allison had fallen asleep against my shoulder, I see Donnie come back from getting something to drink in the kitchen. I guess he saw that Allison was asleep, since he finally said, "I hope she makes you happy." I told him that she does, and he told me, "Then you'd better make her happy, too. That's all that matters." He just turned back to his computer, not saying nothing else.

It times like this that I wonder why we didn't make the smart one the leader.

* * *

September 2nd 

Looks like I stumbled on yet another of them heart-to-hearts. This time, I don't mean it in the sarcastic sense.

I was looking around the lair for Allison, since I wanted to watch this movie on TV with her. I decided to go see if maybe she's hanging out with Don in his workroom, and I heard the two of them talking. My name comes up, so I decided to give it a listen.

They was saying some interesting stuff, mostly things like why Leo's being the way he is. Truth is, according to Don, Leo's scared. He's never handled this sort of thing before, and he don't know what'll come of it. We've been close to April, but this is a different kind of close. Emotions can lead us to do funny things, and Leo's afraid that I'm gonna end up doing something more stupid than usual because of the way I feel about her, either acting out of jealousy or real concern.

Don, though, he sees it another way. He gave her some spiel about probability and unpredictability or something like that, and he said that I can either act the way Leo expects me to act, or that having someone like her around can really help me grow. That I'll learn things about love.

That word really just… it freaks me out. Makes my skin crawl. When Mikey used to watch _Dawson's Creek_ or whatever those stupid "dramas" were, everyone threw around the word "love," using it as a label for the person they was sleeping with during that episode. They were dating, so they had to be in love. And then when one of them left the other for their sister or something, they were just out of love.

And I mean… people use the word "love" for their families, don't they? In movies, you always hear about some kid saying they don't like their mom, but they _love_ them because they _have_ to, because it's their mom. Love's supposed to be this strong emotion that surpasses actual reason. It clouds up your thinking and makes you form relationships that your brain tells you you shouldn't. And as much as I fly off the handle, I got enough brains to know that I don't ever wanna be _that_ out of control. Whatever I feel for Allison, it can't be love. Because a guy loving a girl is even more complicated than a turtle having feelings for a human.

Ow, the deep thinking is hurting my brain. I don't know how Don can do it so much.

Anyway, that talk between Allison and Don made me realize that Donnie's got my back. Wasn't really expecting that, but he always _was_ the smart one, so of course he knows when I'm right. Because I _am_ right. Allison and I ain't hurting anybody, and neither of us is talking marriage or babies or nothing, so it can't get complicated. We just really like being together, and we really like… you know… doing stuff together.

* * *

September 3rd 

It's only noon, and already Mikey's managed to piss me off. I was putting something together for lunch while Allison was out talking to her future landlord, and Mikey comes in and says he's got a "serious question" for me. I already knew it probably had something to do with Allison, since she's apparently on everybody's minds even more than the possible takeover of the planet by any one of our enemies, but I tell him to go ahead and ask it.

"Where does Allison sleep?"

That's it. That's the "serious question." I told him that sometimes she falls asleep on the sofa while watching TV, and other times I let her sleep in my bed. He looked at me funny, so I told him that I usually sleep on the floor when she's in my bed. He doesn't believe me, which annoys me. But hey, he can think what he wants.

Then he said, "So, uh, when you 'sleep on the floor,' you, uh… you take precautions, right?" I ask him what the hell he's talking about, and he says something like, "You know. Protection." I was still a little confused, but then I managed to put two and two together.

I grabbed the ties of his bandanna and pulled his head back hard, asking him if he was really giving _me_ a talk about sex. He let out one of his stupid squeals and said he was just checking, because he wouldn't want things between me and her to get complicated so fast, saying that he knows what happens when couples get too serious too quick and don't use protection on top of it. I ask him, "Not that I really wanna know what _you_ know about sex, but what exactly makes ya think you're an expert on the subject?"

He managed to pull himself away from me, but he didn't leave. He said that he knows what TV and movies tell him. Leave it up to the mass media to give my stupid little brother even _more_ stupid ideas. Actually, I'm thinking pop culture is what made him so dumb to begin with.

I told him that he don't have to worry; I ain't sleeping with Allison and I don't have no intention of sleeping with her. He looks really surprised, then asks if I don't even think about it sometimes. I tell him I don't, which is pretty much the truth. Look, I'm still pretty new even to _kissing_; I ain't gonna jump the gun so freakin' quick.

His response? "Whoa, sometimes she even makes _me_ think about…." I tell him to go ahead and tell me what he thinks about. He gives me one of his stupid smiles and runs out of the kitchen. I chased after him, but he made it to his room and slammed the door in my face. He still hasn't come out of his room. Now I feel really, really, _really_ dirty thinking about what he might be doing in there.

Somehow, I'm beginning to think that I'll feel a lot better once Allison gets her own place.

* * *

September 3rd 

Allison just came in and asked me why Mikey seems so convinced that I feel threatened by "his undeniable attractiveness." I groaned and asked her if she got the apartment. She said that she can move in either tomorrow or on October 1st. I told her I'd go with her to the storage place tomorrow morning and help her start unpacking. I think she's too amused to be insulted.

* * *

September 4th 

This is the first night I'm spending without Allison since she's been back to New York. I find it really depressing that I can't sleep.

* * *

September 6th 

Looks like I ain't such a liar after all. Leo really _is _coming around. I said I was gonna go visit Allison, and he asked if he could tag along. Since Mikey's still under the impression that every time Allison and I are alone we need to stock up on condoms, I figured keeping Leo around won't be such a bad idea. It'll prove that I ain't _that_ much of an animal.

While we were over there, Allison attempted to cook. Bad idea. I found out real quick why she wanted an apartment with a kitchen window. Her cooking's more effective than smoke pellets.

Luckily, Leo knows a thing or two about messing around in the kitchen, so he made us an early dinner. I was kinda suspicious by how happy he was, but Allison explained it to me soon enough. The two of them finally worked out a schedule for her to start ninja training with him. Oh, the poor kid. If he were any more evil, I'd be convinced that Leo's planning on making her too tired to even _want_ to see me any more. When I brought this up to him, he just gave me one of his little smiles.

The evil little bastard.

* * *

September 8th 

I'll give this beginner's ninja training some credit. _Nothing_ is more amusing than watching Allison trying to keep her balance on a maze of bamboo shoots. I should be feeling sorry for her, considering how many bruises she's gotten already.

And since no one's looking over my shoulder, no one can put me in the "jealous psycho" category for this: Nearly every time she falls, Leo's right behind her to catch her. And I'm beginning to think that he keeps his arms around her just a little too long for my tastes.

There, I wrote it. Now maybe I won't feel like decking him during our next sparring match. Nah, who am I kidding? I _always_ feel like decking him during our next sparring match.

* * *

September 14th 

I went to visit Allison today. She told me that her best friend Rob came by, and that they were going to work on writing some comic book together. I told her that it was a stupid idea, and she said that, if I wanted, she could always go back to LA so she can go back to writing movies. I told her that she can go back to LA after she manages to pin me down for ten seconds during a wrestling match.

She took me up on my challenge. And who won or lost don't matter.

* * *

October 31st 

I've been busy. Saving the world takes a lot out of a turtle.

Allison came up with this silly idea. Something tells me that she had a little to drink when she came home from work, because she was acting really… well, _drunk_. She said she wanted me to go trick-or-treating with her.

Trick-or-treating? Are you kidding? I mean, the only time I ever went trick-or-treating was when Mikey and I first found out you can get free candy out of it. And that was when we were… what, seven? And it was _awful_ candy, too. Cheap people giving out nothing but Smarties. Who actually likes Smarties?

Anyway, I'm sitting in my room, waiting for her to finish changing into the costume she bought on her way home from work. She said that if I liked the costume, then I have to show it by actually going trick-or-treating with her. Right. Because I'm totally gonna-

Wow. When did Little Red Riding Hood get such a short skirt?

* * *

November 1st 

It's nine in the morning, and I just got back home from Allison's. There was apparently a Halloween party downtown that she wanted to take me to, but didn't tell me nothing about it until we were already mostly there. It was good times, and I think I might've had something to drink. Can't remember.

What I'm worried about is what's gonna happen when Splinter finds me and decides that it's time to have "the talk."

* * *

November 2nd 

Funny thing about "the talk." There wasn't really no "talk" at all. It was more like a question and answer session.

Splinter asked where I was, and I told him that there was a party. He asked if anyone suspected I wasn't in costume, and I said that it didn't seem like it since Allison kept me mostly in the dark. He asked what we did most of the time, and I shrugged and said we just danced (what he don't know won't hurt him). He asked if there was alcohol involved, and I said that Allison was a little tipsy, but I was watching her to make sure she didn't do nothing stupid (again, what he don't know won't hurt _me_). He asked if there were drugs involved, and I said I could smell some wafting over from somewhere, but I just stayed with Allison (especially since I'd much rather smell her body spray than marijuana).

Then he asked if I had a good time. When I stopped to think about it, it was the first time I actually hung out with Allison at a big, crowded place. It was the first time someone ever got me to really dance in front of people without it being because I lost a bet. And it was the first time in ages that I completely forgot that I wasn't human.

Yeah. Yeah, I had a real good time. Splinter smiled and told me he was happy for me. He wasn't happy enough to let me catch up on my sleep, though. Damn chores.

* * *

November 25th 

Maybe I should just stick to writing in this thing on holidays, since that seems to be when I remember it.

Anyway, because I didn't want Allison to give herself food poisoning, I invited her over here for Thanksgiving dinner. April and Casey are spending the holiday upstate with his family, so Allison was our only guest. And even though this was our first big family dinner thing together… she fit right in. Sure, she would've had better camouflage if she was wearing a shell, but hey, nobody's perfect.

The only thing that bugged me was when, during dinner, Splinter asked Allison what she was thankful for. I pretended to be interested in something Don had to say, but I couldn't help but stare at her when she answered, "Love."

Splinter gave me a quick glance, and Allison caught on that I was staring, so she was real quick to take it back. She said she didn't mean romantic love or nothing. She just meant… _love_. Her mom's dead and she hasn't seen her dad since she was like two or something. This is the first Thanksgiving in about five years that she don't spend in a dorm room or apartment with a bowl of mac 'n cheese. And for the first time in a long time, she's actually with people who want to be around her… and that means she has a family. And to her, families mean love. Kinda weird, considering she doesn't really have no family except for a bunch of aunts and uncles that don't like her.

The moment had a lot of potential for unbearable sap, but Mikey either saved it or ruined it. He reached over and gave her a hug, telling her that he loves her like a big sister, just before planting a big kiss on her cheek. Remembering that _scarring_ conversation I had with him months ago, I kicked him under the table. He made a big deal about it, and pretty soon, we were both wearing leftover cornbread stuffing.

* * *

December 26th 

I'll never admit it, but this was one of the most nerve-wracking Christmases ever. I mean, I can pretend to not know her birthday, especially since she still never actually _told_ me when it is. And I can ignore anniversaries because, you know, I'm a _guy_. But Christmas kinda drives up in your face and lets ya _know_ that it's coming, whether you celebrate it or not.

Now, I'm not a religious kinda guy. I mean, it's pretty hard to accept the concept of "God" when your entire existence is based on a freak scientific accident and most of the major religions don't even acknowledge that you've got a soul. But Allison kinda takes the Jesus thing somewhat seriously, at least. And I never let that bother me, since she's pretty laidback about it.

So for Christmas, Allison and I decided that, instead of giving one another gifts, we'd _do_ something for one another. Something that we'd never do on any other day of the year. We kept real quiet about it, and I gotta admit, the suspense was pretty nice. She came over on Christmas Eve to hang out for a while, then said she was gonna go so she could get ready for the midnight service at Saint Peter's. I told her that I was gonna go with her. She asked me what I was talking about, and I just smiled and said that that was her Christmas gift. I'm gonna go with her to church. And in all honesty, seeing her face light up like that made up for the stupidly shocked expressions on my bros.

I've been inside a church before, but that was while tackling some bad guys screaming something about seeking sanctuary. And that was a little ministry on the corner of some street in Bushwick. This was Saint Peter's. And I'm guessing that the architect definitely wanted people to walk in and suddenly believe in Heaven.

It was… interesting, I guess. I mean, I still don't buy it, but I can see why so many people want to believe in some higher power or something. I could point out a lot of hypocrisies, but in the spirit of the holiday, let's just say it was nice, okay? Especially sitting in the back corner next to Allison while she sung from the hymnbook. I never knew she had such a pretty voice.

Afterwards, we walked around the city for a bit. I was so bundled up that I was sure I looked like a dork, but she didn't mind. Some snow started falling, and she told me that kissing somebody at the first sign of snow is supposed to be good luck. I told her that she was just making that up because she wanted me to kiss her. She told me, "Actually, if I wanted to make up something for you to kiss me, I'd say that a flying saucer made out of mistletoe just passed by overhead. Because I'm more likely to believe in _that _than in the fact that I need to _make_ you kiss me." Cute. Real cute.

I asked her what she got me, and she said I was gonna have to wait for Christmas morning. Since it was about 1:30, I told her it _was_ Christmas morning. She told me not to be so technical about things and to show up at her apartment around sunrise. I told her it better be worth the wait.

The next morning, I showed up a little before 6am. She was still in her robe, so I thought I was early, but she pulled me into the kitchen, apparently really, stupidly excited. I saw why once she sat me down at the table. She apparently made waffles, scrambled eggs, sausages, toast, and fresh-squeezed orange juice—all without burning down the building!

I asked her if she was trying to kill me, but she hit my shell and told me to just try it. I could see that she was a little nervous about it herself, so I decided that my stomach wouldn't hate me too much if I decided to actually humor her. And since I'm still alive, it not only tasted great, but didn't prove fatal. I didn't know which one of us was more surprised.

Turned out that the poor kid didn't sleep at all that night. She spent hours reading recipes on-line to make sure that she got everything right, and was determined to not to mess anything up. It took her a while to get over her fear of a frying pan, but she eventually did it. And she did it for me.

I didn't know what was the nicer gift. Knowing she spent all that time trying to make me happy, or the fact that making me happy made _her_ ridiculously happy. In the end, I think I know what the best gift was.

Her.

* * *

January 1st 

We kissed while watching the ball drop on the television. The lair's no Times Square, but that didn't make it any less nice. I could've done without Mikey and Don whining about when _they_ were gonna be next. And since I know they wasn't expecting no kiss from me (at least, I sure as shell _hope_ not), I told them that Allison ain't no thrill ride, so they could step right off the line. And if she _is_ a thrill ride… she's mine. So back off.

Mikey made some comment about me being possessive. Don and Leo thought it was "cute." When I looked up at her, I didn't know _what_ she thought. But she kissed me again. And that's all I seem to live for these days.

It's gonna be a happy new year.

* * *

January 12th 

So I've come to the conclusion that I don't like her best friend much. Mostly because I'm pretty sure that he wants to be _more_ than just her best friend. I wonder how flirty he'd be if he knew that she was involved with somebody that can kill him in under thirty seconds.

* * *

January 18th 

Now I know I'm getting paranoid. I'm beginning to think that Don's got a crush on her. What the shell?! I mean, yeah, I'm crazy about her and everything, but she's nothing special. Her hair's kinda frizzy and her smile's always a little crooked and… I mean…. Okay, so maybe physical appearance don't matter much when you're a mutant.

But he's been asking why she hasn't been visiting as often and telling me he misses her. And I'd let that slide, but he'll be real quick to correct himself, saying he _don't_ miss her or nothing. And then he'll get all quiet and change the subject.

Irrational, that's what I'm being. I can get maybe Leo taking a shine to her, and Mikey's probably likely to go after anything remotely female, but Don? No way. If she can't hold her own in a conversation about the space-time continuum, then he wouldn't want nothing to do with her.

Is it bad that I'm finally realizing how my double negatives are working against me? Way for me to go on a grammar kick. Maybe I should go on patrol with Casey. We both got the whole "psycho jealous significant other" thing down.

* * *

January 23rd 

Her movie finally came out on DVD. We had a little party down in the lair while we all got together and watched it. When I saw the deleted scenes, I saw that Allison's cameo role was supposed to be a whole lot bigger. She actually struck a deal with the director to cut those scenes. She didn't want to be stuck in the limelight. She could just see the headlines now: "The Famous Allison Grayson Seen Crawling Out of the East Street Sewer. See Page Three for Details About Her Mysterious Underground Cult."

I think this is the only DVD that I've got that I've actually watched all the special features on. It was weird hearing her voice talk for nearly two hours on the writer's commentary. It was also weird hearing her talk about all the "strangeness" in the plot, even though it was mostly based on fact. Again, it got me upset that people won't be able to handle knowing that these "sewer dwellers" in the movie are real, but Allison calmed me down some.

She's getting way too good at that. I'm thinking it's gonna ruin my rep.

* * *

February 2nd 

Mikey's started bugging me about Valentine's Day. I think he's just purposely trying to get under my skin. He sulked a bit when I told him I lucked out; Allison _hates_ Valentine's Day. He told me that he hopes I know how lucky I am to be "let off the hook." I guess he don't know that her birthday's five days after Valentine's. Not only that, but I noticed that the 19th makes six months since we first kissed. I'd feel pretty crummy about missing _that_ anniversary.

Damn, she's got me good.

* * *

February 10th 

Poor kid's been sick. Some kinda sinus infection. I asked Don if he knew how to make homemade chicken noodle soup. He gave me a weird look and said that if _I'm _making it, he don't want me near the meat. Last thing Allison needs is to have some funky virus introduced to her system. Funny guy.

* * *

February 11th 

So, apparently Rob _does_ know about me and Allison. And he thinks I'm a 26-year old human fight choreographer. And he wants to meet me. And if I don't meet him by this weekend, he's turning his back on her. Yeah, can you say, "Dick?"

He and Allison are gonna be working at a comic convention this weekend, so she's invited me and the guys there. We should fit in, she says. Yeah, I don't doubt that. I've _seen_ the weirdoes who go to those conventions.

I'll meet him. And if he really wants to see me without my "mask," I'll go ahead and let him see the real me. And if he can't handle that, tough. Who's the better friend: the guy who makes Allison choose between him and a "boyfriend," or the "boyfriend" who don't want her to lose her friends?

He's probably a good guy. There's no way they could've been friends for all these years otherwise. But damn, if I already don't like him.

* * *

February 15th 

April came by to say that Rob just went into her antique shop and bought some expensive piece of jewelry as a birthday gift. And since a certain someone's birthday is four days away, I can guess _who_ he's planning on giving it to. Well damn. Way to show the "boyfriend" up, huh Rob?

But she don't care about gifts. She never cared about gifts. So I don't think she's gonna really care _what_ I give her, so long's it something real. Something with… with heart, I guess, to go ahead and bring in the sap. My only problem now is to figure out what that is… and I've only got a few days to wrack my brain.

Heh. And they say competition is _good_ for you.


	3. Chapter 3

February 17th

Yep, I _knew_ we were just about due for another conspiracy. Some guy's going around, calling himself Vincent Grayson and saying that he's Allison's dad. Everybody's believing him except me and Donnie. Again, we should've made the smart one the leader.

Turns out that there's some kinda faerie magic being put to use, and "Vincent's" really an old enemy in disguise who's made some magical friends and wants to put us out of our miseries, using Allison to string us along while he's busy brainwashing most of us. I looked up them "faeries" on-line… and this don't look too good. Yeah, they're mostly puny little elf things who wouldn't put up much of a fight, but they don't fight fair. I ain't never looking at Tinkerbell the same way again.

At the convention, Allison and I had a big fight over this Vincent guy, and I ain't gonna lie. It hurt. It hurt a hell of a lot. I don't know what he said to her, but it's pretty clear that he's been making her rethink being with me at all. She didn't look me in the eye for the rest of the convention, and I knew that I had to get her something to protect herself from him in case he proves dangerous.

Faeries are apparently afraid of iron, so I found this little necklace with a die-cast iron turtle pendant on it. Took me a while to find something like that, but I'm definitely happy I did. Don gave me some rusty iron knife to give her, but I think I've been hanging around girls long enough to know that they're more likely to keep jewelry on them than weaponry. And even someone as kickass as Allison ain't no exception.

I got to her apartment after the convention was over, and she didn't really look happy to see me. But she let me talk. And I think, without that fake dad of hers around her, she was more willing to listen to reason… even if it _was_ as unreasonable as telling her that she's been put under a faerie's spell. I gave her the knife, telling her that Donnie wanted her to have it, and then I gave her the necklace, like it was just something nice I saw and wanted her to have. I really would've wanted to wait to give it to her until her birthday on Sunday, but didn't want to risk her going around without something to protect herself with.

It's funny. I mean, earlier today, my biggest worry was Rob. Rob and how he'd react to me and my bros. I didn't appreciate him saying we got "cute costumes," and I _really_ didn't appreciate him being too touchy-feely with Allison, but he seems all right enough. Still, I worried a bit about losing her to him.

Yeah, I'll admit it. I pretty much live in constant fear that she's gonna wake up one day and realize that she's with somebody who can't give her nothing that most girls dream about. I can't take her out on dates, I can't meet her friends, I can't even promise that we'll be anything more than what we are right now. I mean… not that I'm thinking of anything long-term or nothing, but with a guy like Robby, she at least can think about getting married or having kids or something someday. And though she never says nothing about it… I know she wants to have kids. Because when I look at her dealing with Mikey and his stupidity… I see a great mom. And great moms should have kids. That's just the way it should be, since it seems like so many bad moms end up having them instead.

She doesn't seem to have much of an interest in Rob, though. For better or worse, she's still choosing to stick it out with me. At least, until she finds out that the jewelry I gave her was actually just another way to protect her from the guy she still thinks of as her dad. Let's hope I think up a good birthday gift just in case this whole thing blows up in my face.

* * *

February 18th

Well… I feel like holing up in my shell and not coming out for another six months. Turns out that "Vincent" was really Drako in disguise. We kicked his ass quick enough, but he ain't what's making me feel like crap. Don and me found out that the real Vincent Grayson's been dead since '01. And I just came back from telling Allison that.

She had just been… really, really happy at the thought of having a real family around her again. Instead of taking care of Rob's family or of mine… she had her own. And I never realized that that was something she's wanted for a long time.

Rob got kinda beat up around the head, so we took him back to his place and he's slowly dealing with knowing who we really are. Once Donnie drugged him up and got him to sleep, I stayed in his living room with Allison while the guys went back home. Allison was watching over Rob's baby, and I brought up the records that Don found about her real father. She wasn't taking it too well.

I took Rosalind out of her arms and tried to get the kid to go to sleep while Allison cried for a while. Damn, I can't stand to see a girl crying. Especially not _my_ girl. And while Rosalind started crying over seeing Allison upset, I realized that _she_ was kinda like my girl, too. Allison's been taking care of Rosalind ever since the kid's mom died, and if she was the only kinda kid Allison was gonna have while with me, then I gotta treat her like _my_ kid, too.

It was a wacky thought. I mean, I don't really get to deal with babies or nothing too often, so suddenly adopting a two-year-old as a weird, unofficial, distant stepdaughter made me think that I was losing it. But I gotta admit… there's something about the little brats that grows on ya after a while.

After Rosalind finally fell asleep, I put her in bed and went back to Allison. She looked a little zombied-out, so I sat next to her and held her for a while. I mean, she's been attacked a bunch of times since she's met us, and she can stand up to a beating or seven… but this is the first time those attacks have been more than physical. Those faerie bastards _hurt_ her, and it wasn't a kinda hurt that I could fix by bandaging her up or swearing revenge. I don't handle these kinda hurts too often, so I wasn't really sure what I could actually do to help her. So I just decided to wing it.

I told her I loved her. I had done it before, when I was trying earlier today to get through the brainwashing Drako put her through, but this was the first time that I… that I really _said_ it. I wasn't saying it to save lives or nothing. I wasn't saying it to prove a point. I was just saying it because I… because I _felt_ it. I felt that complicated mess of emotions screaming all sorts of things in my brain, and I knew plain and simple that I couldn't really run from it no more. I'm in love with this girl.

She didn't say nothing for a while, so I held her a little closer and said it again. I don't know, maybe I thought she didn't hear me or something. But when I said it _again_, I guess I realized that I was just saying it because I liked the way it sounds. We fight. We argue. We get jealous and do a lot of kicking and screaming. But we still managed to keep this up for six months, not willing to trade in all those pushes-coming-to-shoves for anything in the world. And finally coming out and saying, "I love you," made me realize that it felt like those words was always meant to leave my mouth.

She finally gave me a funny look, telling me she heard me the first five times. She told me she loved me too, but… I don't know. It's not that I don't believe her, since sticking with me all this time is so irrational that the only thing that'd make her do that _has_ to be love. It's just… she's still upset, over her dad and over the fact that she got played so badly.

It must be tough, finding out the day before your birthday that you've been an orphan for years. I kinda stopped and wondered about my own biological parents for a second, but then I remembered that regular turtles don't got the same kinda family values that humans have. Lucky me I ain't no regular turtle.

After a while, I told her something kinda… sappy, I guess. But damn, if it wasn't true. "I'm here for ya, kid. I'm not just saying that because I'm the boyfriend and that's what I'm supposed to say. I'm saying that because I _am_. I'll be whatever you need me to be—boyfriend, brother, best friend, teacher… I kinda do prefer boyfriend, though. Still, no matter what it is you need, just look for that in me. Cuz I'm here to make you happy. And from now on, you're family. In a different way than Casey or April, maybe… but you're still part of my family. And I love you. And I ain't never gonna let nothing like this happen to you again."

She gave me a comment about me trying pretty desperate to sound romantic, and I definitely deserved it. Still… she knew I meant it. Because she _always_ seems to know those things that really matter. And heck, that's just another reason for me to love her.

* * *

February 19th

This'll be my last entry in this journal.

It's about four in the morning, and I couldn't sleep. I'm feeling a little sick, so I think I'm gonna miss the last day of the convention. Just as well, though. Allison won't be there, and I'll just pay her a visit later tonight or something. I'm not gonna let a fever keep me from spending time with her on her birthday, especially not after all we went through yesterday.

I figured out what to give her. Something within my budget, something from the heart, and something that she'll hopefully enjoy for a long, long time. I'm giving her this book.

See, I've got that rough draft of her movie that I look back on every so often, and I still read her cards and letter from when she was living in LA. But she ain't got nothing of me. Her only reward for bearing with me over the past six months is looking at my ugly mug. So I figured she'd like to see some other part of me: the me she created. The me I'm trying to be… for her.

And yeah, I'm pretty sure that it's a pretty cheap gift for something that's doubling as both a birthday and anniversary present. But still, she don't know I know her birthday (she must be the only human in the world who doesn't talk about it for the entire week beforehand, I think) and she's probably pretty sure that I wouldn't even remember the day we first kiss. But I remember. It's hard to forget when I first took up one of my favorite hobbies.

Mikey still bugs me about it just about every day. Don still gives me those little smiles, making me wonder how he really feels about her while at the same time telling me that no matter what, he's always got my back. Leo's finally started to ease up about things, and I think Splinter's beginning to see her like a daughter. It's official. She's family. And I ain't never letting her go. Hope she's happy to be stuck with me.

Sixteen months I've been writing in this thing. For sixteen months, I haven't been able to think of much else but her. And yeah, I don't know how it happened. But it happened. And I'm glad it did. And more importantly, I'm glad I finally got the guts to admit that it happened.

Here's to another half a year… and a whole lot of years after that.


End file.
